Quitting the Smokes
By Gena Hamshaw
Tell me if this sounds familiar: you’re the designated “health nut” in your circle of friends. Perhaps you’re the resident vegan; you might also be the runner who’s training for her next marathon. When you go out to dinner with friends and family, you’re the one explaining what tempeh is, or extolling the joys of raw nut cheese, or giving your companions a quick tutorial in sea vegetables.
But something’s amiss. You’ve gone this one habit—just one—that doesn’t quite jive with the others. Maybe it’s the coffee you can’t stop guzzling in the morning. Maybe it’s that extra glass or two of wine that you don’t really need. Maybe it’s the furtive non-vegan cupcake you sneak in when no one’s watching, or the pizza you ordered yesterday and immediately regretted.
Or maybe it’s the smokes.
For almost eight full years, I was the health nut with the nasty habit. I was a smoker: not a social smoker, but a full on, pack a day smoker. I smoked in with my morning coffee. I smoked when I got home from work (to “unwind”). I smoked during my lunch break. I smoked after meals. I smoked after sex. I smoked after the gym—it was my reward, I reasoned. I smoke when I was stressed, and I smoked when I was mellow. Through good times and bad, ups and downs, I smoked. And, truth be told, I relished every cigarette I ever had.
That I was also a vegetarian, and then a vegan, didn’t stop me. That I exercised daily didn’t stop me, either. That I had made those choices under the rubric of being “healthy”— my veganism was more a health choice than an ethical one—didn’t really deter me, either. The hypocrisy was not lost on me, but I just couldn’t let the damn cancer sticks go. My doctor once chuckled during a physical and asked, “how does it feel to be undoing all of the incredible things you do for your body? Because that’s what you’re doing.”
Over time, and as I began my journey into raw foods the hypocrisy became more than I could bear. I was terrified to quit: How would I end meals? How would I handle stress at the office? What would I do as I waited for people outside of restaurants? How would I occupy my hands at night?
Then I went to Mexico on an eight day yoga retreat. And for the first time in seven years, I went four days without smoking. I wasn’t trying: I was practicing three hours of yoga a day, eating mostly raw fruit and coconuts, and feeling incredible. Cigarettes simply didn’t cross my mind. When I realized how long it had been, it occurred to me that I’d gone nearly a week without nicotine. I’d never have another chance to go five days without any of my triggers: stress, deadlines, etc. So I decided to quit, right then and there.
At first, I didn’t feel so bad, and I thought that perhaps the armor of my healthy lifestyle would magically protect me from nicotine withdrawal. Then it hit me. First came quitter’s flu, the four-day ailment that mimics real flu (it’s a powerful form of detox, localized in the mucous membranes). Then came headaches: dull, unrelenting pains behind my forehead that persisted for days at a time. Then came lousy moods. Throw in trouble focusing, ravenous thirst, and erratic bursts of energy, and you get the picture: I was miserable.
But it wasn’t these nasty ups and downs that hurt the most. It was my sense of loneliness, especially at night. Many recovering alcoholics describe a dread of evenings, a fear of coming home and not being able to pour themselves a drink. As a friend who was trying to sober up once put it to me, “What will I do if I have to be alone with my thoughts?” I wasn’t afraid of my thoughts, but I did feel, suddenly, very alone. Cigarettes had been my little friends in those quiet evening hours, and I missed them.
So how did I stay the course? I wish I could offer you magical tips and tricks that helped me, but the truth is that there weren’t many. I didn’t use gum (I would have gotten addicted to that, too). I drank a lot of tea, slipped in some guilty coffee now and then (hey, it offered a healthier high than nicotine and tobacco), and relied heavily on my yoga practice. But the best motivation was the slew of improvements in my health: the brighter skin, the renewed energy, the capacity to run five miles without heaving. And the best incentive of all was my feeling that, for the first time, I could embrace my identity as a health freak honestly.
Now, a year and a half later, it seems a bit crazy to think that smoking ever figured so prominently in my life. It’s like trying to remember the intensity of being in love with someone long after you’ve fallen out of it. I still feel pangs every now and then, but for the most part, it’s ancient history. I won’t pretend it’s easy: I still have an intense nostalgia for smoking, and I struggle often with the urge to buy a pack. But fortunately—and in spite of the one or two guilty drags I’ve stolen from friends’ cigarettes in the last year—I’ve managed to remain firm in my commitment to quitting. And believe me, it’s worth it.
For all of you out there reading who struggle with smoking—or any other non-ideal habit that wages battle with your healthy ones—I urge you to do your best. I offer you no lies: quitting will be hard, and your ability to stick with it will ultimately rely on your own willpower and determination. But if you can muster your biggest reserves of strengths, I can guarantee you that a healthier, happier, and prouder future awaits.
Stick to your guns. Wherever you are, and whatever your goal is, this former smoker is cheering you from afar.
29 Comments
I love that you wrote this. I hate admitting it but I am one who is changing my eating habits for the better, tells people what kind of toxins are in there food, and,,, ya,, I smoke. I tried to quit so many times, giving back in couse,, I had a bad day at work,, or I felt like crap so bad I just needed a smoke to feel better. My husband and I are always looking for easy ways to quit and there is none. We just need to bite the bullet and do it,,, and stick with it!! I know we have the will power!!
Melissa- Never give up! You can do it! It took me dozens of times to finally quit. I had to give up everything I associated with smoking for a while and then slowly integrate those things back into my life without cigarettes. It takes time, but if you keep trying, someday it will stick.
Melissa,
I ditto what Corinne said!! You just have to bite the bullet and realize that, with time and willpower, it gets easier (and so much more worth it).
Great post Gena! I always enjoy your writting! You are fabulous!! :)
My mom smoked for FOURTY years before quitting this Feb. We are all amazed – she never had any desire to quit. We are so happy! :)
Well at least I feel mildy comforted in the fact that there are other health freak smokers out there. My husband and I try to “bite the bullet” at least once a month, seems harder with both of us trying and neither of us having the willpower. It’s quite frustrating, but I figure if we keep trying, eventually we’ll stick it! Thanks for the article!
I have watched my parents and grandparents smoke my entire life. I told myself when I was younger that I would never touch them. I smoked my first cig in 8th grade and fully started smoking in 12th grade. I can only blame myself and peer pressure. My boyfriend at the time also smoked which aided to my desire. It’s fortunate because I was never addicted. I could go days without even wanting one yet I enjoyed them when I did have one. I now wont touch them – after having a healthier lifestyle and a son to live for, this is one thing that I don’t miss at all.
Thank you for writing this article, Gena!
Healthy Eating
Tasha
Thanks for this, Gena! And congrats on quitting. While I had no trouble quitting smoking, I went through the same thing with sugar. And it does feel much nicer to have all of my habits in harmony now!
GENA…I never would have guessed in a million years!!! You write so eloquently about the process of quitting.
Even though I intellectually understand the power of addiction, it always amazes me that the price of cigarettes these days doesn’t deter more people. Even if you’re only smoking a pack per week, that’s $520 dollars. I could have dinner at Pure once per month with that money…or go on a vacation!
Many congrats on quitting! I smoked for 10 years and successfully quit over 4 years ago. Strangely enough I didn’t struggle much with quitting. I simply just thought of myself as “not the kind of person who smokes” and just stopped. My dad smoked for 20 years and did the same thing.
However, quitting smoking is a huge feat! I wish that those smokers that I love will make this decision sooner than later!
Thank you for this article!
As always I really respect your honesty. I know I can always get the Raw truth from you without any sugar coating. Even though I never was a regular smoker, I can relate to the feelings of addiction.
Of Course Congrats on Quitting and staying cancer-stick free since!
WOW! This could have been me writing this post 2 years ago. I was the healthy one in the group…vegan even but I smoked a bit less than a pack a day. One day it just clicked that I wasn’t really all that healthy if I was still smoking. Quitting for me was one of the hardest things I ever did. I found that I constantly had to be busy and every second of my time I had to be doing something. This unfortunately has carried on to the rest of my life and I’m trying to wind that down. I replaced smoking with cleaning, cooking, working out and drinking water. I did use gum but would quickly get tummy aches so had to give that up as well.
I commend you for quitting and writing about your experience. I hope that it helps someone else come to terms with their own addiction.
I’ve been confronting my own sugar madness and doing my best to battle cravings. After my Halloween breakdown with mini chocolate bars your post really hits home. It is reassuring to learn that someone I look to as a raw mentor has had habits that are misaligned with the healthy stand you take in life. The more I switch to raw, the more processed sugars kick my ass into staying on track. Healthy habit beget more healthy habits so I’ll stay the course. You sharing your story makes it feel as though I have company. Thanks.
I am that person. I see the hypocrisy in myself every day: I care about eating healthy, still I drink a lot of coffee and I smoke. Not much, but around 5 cigs a day. I am very much a social smoker, and my boyfriend is a heavy smoker which does not make it any easier. What bothers me most is that I am pretty good at keeping my cigarettes-per-day low, but still have not made the step to quit. It’s all about the little habits (a cig in the car when getting off work, a few hits from my boyfriend’s cigarette in the morning) and the company; I rarely have any real nicotine craving. This is indentally my first day without coffee (but I had 3 cups tea instead…), and I will take your post as a call to quit. I do know that getting back into a yoga routine is crucial for me – whenever I am practicing yoga regularly, the thought of smoking just seems more absurd…
Be gentle on yourself, Alexandra! Habits are so hard to break, even when we know we don’t need them. I’m really supporting you — believe me, if I could do it, you can!
I quit on May 3 of this year. It also still gets to me! I want a cigarette so badly sometimes, and I think “oh well, just one will not hurt me”, but I know that’s not true– it would spiral into smoking 1/2 a pack a day again…like I did for almost 9 years! I’m glad that this discussion was opened by your blog. You’re right, everyone has vices. I wish I could figure out how to NOT have them!
Thanks again,
~Kat
Thank you for sharing Gena!
xo
Eco Mama
I quit smoking two years ago cold turkey after a handful of tries. I’m 24 now and at the time had been a “light” yet daily smoker for 5 years. It wasn’t easy but it can be done as long as you really want to. If there is still a want, it’s tougher. Personally I had reached a point where I was feeling physically ill after having a few drags and not to mention scared of getting sick from it. Looking back I see more clearly how it impacted my life negatively and prevented me from being my best as a person. Even though it has been two years, sometimes when I hear the word cigarette I get a very small craving, but I push it away. can be around people who smoke and not get tempted enough to want to light up. I just think of how disappointed I would be in myself. To all those trying to quit…keep it up and good luck! You can do it!
By the way, I quit while living with my parents who smoke. So, no matter your situation or environment, don’t give up. It can be done even if you’re around it everyday.
To any of you who are finding it hard to quit – My father died 12 days ago from the long term effects of smoking (& alcohol) he suffered so much in the last couple of years of his life & so much during the last 2 months if anyone had seen what he went through they would quit immediately, the prospect of the long term effects is just too terrifying…
Thank you for your post & your honesty Gena & congratulations on quitting…
I’m just wishing cigarettes had never been invented….
Thanks so much for this discussion! I quit just quit this year and I know it was the biggest decision I have ever made. I watched two grandparents die of lung disease due to smoking and I still continued to smoke. I started in 9th grade and for 16 years smoking was my crutch. I seemed to always have an excuse to not quit: School,Work,Weight,Stress, My friends all smoking. I tried to quit several times but I admit only half-heartedly.
Finally I just got sick of needing something that much. I know I’m a full blown addict and can never have “just one” or smoke socially ever again.
Just keep at it! Once you haven’t smoked for a week or so it gets a lot easier and just think to yourself- “if I have one now I will have gone through all of these cravings and all of that effort for no gain and will have to start all over again at the beginning.” Coming from someone who has tried to quit a few times the only way that worked for me was cold turkey. For me the replacements just kept me addicted to nicotine.
Thank you for writing this. I struggle with this every day. I feel like a huge hypocrite. It helps to know I’m not the only one and that it is possible. I also let my boyfriend read it so he could understand what i’m struggling with and why it’s not just that easy. Cigs have been my “little friends” through a lot. It’s hard to make him see that part of why I struggle with quitting. But I keep trying.
Thank you!
wow, what an awesome post! you neeevvveeerrr see people talking about this, i thought it was powerful and important. fabulous! ALSO, you go on, girl!
have quitter’s flu right now. it sucks…and i love it^^
this is great – was just looking for a yoga retreat and thinking of the chances of being able to quit smoking over there – can’t tell how much more happy I am to find this entry, it’s one in a million of near perfect recognition – i’ll remember this one !
I have battled with cigs for years. People make fun of me for being vegan and eating “rabbit food”. I don’t use any chemicals that I can avoid using and I recycle everything that can be. It’s the cigs that won’t let go. I did switch a while back to a brand that is only tobacco but everytime (so far) that I’ve tried quitting I have felt depressed and that lonliness that Gena is talking about.
OMG – this is soooo me! I didn’t realize there are other health nut smokers out there…thought I was a freak! I’m always lecturing my family and friends about the benefits of going organic and avoiding toxins, and they LOVE to point out the hypocrisy! I’ve been smoking for a very long time and desperately need to quit, but haven’t been able to give it up yet. And, I should be able to do this because I’m a certified hypnotist! I’m soooo much better at helping others than I am at helping myself…sigh.
I love this post. I shared it via FB… hope u don’t mind! that post is all me!
I really enjoyed this post. Whether it is smoking or using your favorite perfume, we all have our unhealthy vices. Thank you for sharing!
November 6, 2009